STILL CONFOUNDING ME

A NEW WORD ADDED TO MY PERSONAL LEXICON

          Since Andrew’s death, I have found that I am constantly looking for him wherever I go. I am constantly seeing one of his cars or his truck. If I see a tall dark haired man, my heart skips a beat. Somewhere inside me is a desperate plea, “Please let it be Andrew” and then a harsh realization that it is not him. Finally, a question of what would I do if it were. Am I wishing him back to a life of suffering, or am I wishing him back cured and fully himself once again.

Glasadness or sagladness, the words for the joy I feel when for an instant I have him back in his old car or truck or walking down the street toward me only to have to sink into the harsh sadness that I don’t have any choices in the matter. I think Glasadness is more accurate, because the first emotion I feel is gladness and then the quick, without even a full breathe, sadness. He is not coming back well or healed in the traditional sense.

Then I hit myself with the question of “Would you want Andrew back if he were still sick?” The answer is I know how hard it was for me to suffer with him. Then I think, well maybe because I am different now, somewhat more aware of the difference between his suffering and my own that maybe I could be a better support for him than I was before. 

           The realization that I could not then and cannot now live Andrew’s life for him, manage his pain, is becoming clearer, but it is still confounding me.