GLAD TO PUT IT DOWN

I noticed my feelings of hostility toward the little gray haired volunteer who was not quite sure how to direct me, and then I moved onto feeling annoyed about the loud radio being played at the registration desk. After that, I was sent to a booth to be registered and experienced a pleasant efficient young man who ended our interaction by sending me to the wrong floor. For whatever reason, I forgave him.

On my journey to the wrong floor, I was still in a bit of a snit. When I was redirected to the correct floor, I realized that I still had my back up and was looking for trouble. Then it occurred to me that I might make it easier on myself if I could just relax and connect with the people I was encountering. I found myself opening up to the stress test technician. I was friendly and outgoing, not my normal style when visiting doctors. I typically have a chip on my shoulder, and I always want to get in and get out as fast as possible.

I think, somehow I blame it on the staff that I am there and want everyone to know that I am not sick, so do not try to put that label on me. Despite this attitude, I am usually well treated.

It was very nice to be briefly free of the need to have a chip on my shoulder. It made me feel more able to connect with the stress test tech and I ended up telling her about Kathy’s death after a stress test. It was nice to tell her about it and what is more it let me in on my own little secret, that is, how anxious I was on some level about having the test.

Until then I was completely unaware of what I was feeling. Actually, once I decided to connect with the staff I was relieved of my burden. I am not even sure it was anxiety but whatever it was it was a heavy load and I was glad to put it down.