Recently my approach
has been to listen to try to see what my body might be trying to tell me when I
have a strong reaction to a person or event. For me getting at a feeling is
harder (read that nearly impossible) than formulating an explanation. Rationalizing
is so much easier. I think if I could learn how to better read my body I might
be more in tune with myself and with others.
My one reliable emotion is anger. I am more
likely to feel rage or hostility than any other emotion.
Today I was having a
cardiac stress test and I was not looking forward to going to the Medical
Center, parking in a multilevel garage, finding my way to the nuclear imaging
department and dealing with the inefficiencies of a big bureaucracy. I was angry and making various negative predictions about long waits, impersonal care etc. All
of this might have been my defense against
feeling my fear related to the actual stress test.
As I mentioned earlier, my family,
particularly on the maternal side is riddled with cardiac disease. This usually
presents as a heart attack. My sister Kathy actually had a stress test the day
she died. So, as I was saying, I probably had some fear that I was unaware of.
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