IMPOSSIBLY HEAVY

How does life and all its complexity work together to get the specific outcome that is our personal reality?  I know at times after Andrew got sick, I felt myself wishing he were gone or worse yet dead. 

Then hated myself for wishing such a thing, but feeling unable to tolerate the intense anxiety I experienced when I was around Andrew, always waiting for the next shoe to drop.

          How can you be someone’s mother and wish them gone or dead? It was impossible for me to see that I was externalizing my own anxiety and a large part of it was being projected onto Andrew where I had zero control over it. Also this projection and those of the rest of the family were making Andrew’s burden of the family angst impossibly heavy.