Andrew spent the summer
working for a lawn maintenance company. He wanted to be outside doing something
physical to toughen him up for the rigors of military life. Additionally he had
begun to do pushups and sit-ups as well as to run every day.
For my part, I did notice that as
the summer advanced I was getting more anxious. It felt like the
anxiety was about Andrew’s readiness for military rigor. I kept quizzing him as
to whether or not he was doing his exercises and had what he needed for school.
I feel like I was making him more anxious that he might already have been by
constantly monitoring his activity. I wonder now if my anxiety may have been related
to a premonition of what was coming or part of it. I suspect both.
We drove Andrew to
Charleston – this part is a little blurry. What I do remember is that we had
decided to take our time coming back since we were empty nesters there was no
reason to rush home. I just looked back over my daily pages and found that I
had written nothing from around March of 1999 until March of 2000. It still feels
blank right now.
I just read some new
findings on neurobiology declaring that each time we retrieve a memory it is
different. Of course we are different and the altered memory is reflective of
what we have lived and stored and our ability to remember.
So I
understand that what follows may not be an accurate picture of what actually
happened. I will still offer it as the best I have at this time. I am sad that
I did not capture more. I also remember writing for quite a while at the beach
the August after Andrew died and I cannot put my hands on those notes either.
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