LACK OF AWARENESS

This was late April early May—outside everything was starting to bloom. In addition to commuting to New York every day, John and I were rehabbing an eight-bedroom house at the Delaware shore. While it was a resource intensive project and should have put me over the top, it seemed to me it was the only thing that held me together. I could escape their mentally as I designed and decorated in my head and then in reality.  Andrew came home to recover after the final surgery just as the beach house was almost ready for occupancy.

 I finally went back to work—New York-- to make one presentation at the urging of my boss and it was a disaster. Instead of having compassion for myself that I was depleted from my manic pace and still had a sick son at home that I left on his own to return to work, I blamed myself for my lack luster presentation and was filled with shame and a feeling of being worthless and about to be thrown away.   I was an anxious nervous wreck and I never should have allowed myself to be talked into going—but I HAD NO AWARENESS OF HOW I (again, I unconsciously typed these capital letters here) was making my life a nightmare and no idea how-to stop the roller coaster. My only skills seemed to lie in the direction of making the ride faster, more hectic, or more exhausting.