After
the wedding ceremony and before the reception, we notified the police that
Andrew was missing.
All of us, John, me,
Marnie, Corbin, Eileen and Rich went back to Church Road.
We sat on the patio
and tried to come to grips with what was happening. John did not want us to
jump to any conclusions, but he later told me he was “pretty sure” that Andrew
was gone even then.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
HE WAS REALLY GONE
As I mentioned we were
returning from the wedding of our neighbor, Katie who was married earlier in the day
at church a couple miles from our house. Her reception was downtown
later that evening.
We had gone to Katie’s ceremony and right before we went
into the church I had broken down sobbing uncontrollably. Then Melissa called
me and said that she had learned that Anthony, a good friend of Andrew’s, had
gone to the beach and she was sure Andrew had gone with him. I was instantly
flooded with relief and chided myself for jumping to the conclusion that Andrew
was really gone from us.
I got through the ceremony, but when I got back outside
there was a message from Melissa. I called her back to learn that she had
talked to Anthony and all of Andrew’s other friends. He was not at the beach
and no one had seen him. My body sagged even as John was trying to reassure me.
I was trying to allow for the possibility that I was once again over reacting,
but I was feeling certain that he was really gone. There would be no relief
this time.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
THE RAILROAD CROSSING AT NIGHT
The Railroad Crossing at Night
Let me pause here to
tell you about last night. We were driving home from the movies around 9:30 PM.
John and I had been to see the British comedy, The Trip. It was mildly
entertaining, but 30-40 minutes too long.
Anyway, we were driving down the road
that leads to the railroad crossing that is steps from our house. The crossing
was lit up as if it was daytime and my heart left my body.
I was completely transported.
The scene took me back to the night Andrew was found. Lou and Rich, Marnie and
Corbin and John and I had been to Katie’s, our long time next-door neighbor’s,
wedding reception. Andrew had been missing since Friday evening and this was
Saturday night. We left the wedding early because I was in such a state of
dread that I could not function.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
UNBEARABLE ANXIETY
The years that followed were for John, Andrew and
me, full of almost unbearable anxiety that would be present until Andrew died.
I was constantly waiting for the next call. He was so sick and suffered so
much.
This led to an almost constant effort at self-medication on top of struggling
with us about whether or not to take his prescribed medicines. He complained of
side effects, but as I mentioned before, what really seemed to upset him was the whole idea of being
sick and needing to take medication.
Saturday, July 26, 2014
GETTING RID OF THE TV
Nothing made Andrew
angrier that when I would say something like, “Well the voices seem real but
they are actually part of your disease”. He would look at me with such
frustration and say, “Mom, you just don’t get it.”
Always looking for answers, I asked Andrew if
he could voluntarily limit his television viewing. My thinking was that this
would help him manage his delusions. John and I were unable to monitor him
during the day when we were not home.
He said, “Mom, I don’t think I can” I
asked him if he thought we should get rid of the TV and he said it “might be
better, at least for the time being” In the end, we got rid of our TV, until
Andrew moved in with Melissa in 2008.
Friday, July 25, 2014
NEVER FREE OF THE VOICES
Andrew
found great peace in watching the television (he scheduled his suicide for the
night following the last Jay Leno Show) but it seemed to exacerbate his
delusions. When Andrew was feeling his worst watching television became a replacement
for going out and living his life.
We eventually got rid of our television. When Andrew first told us about his delusions, he was embarrassed to admit it but also adamant that they were real. Even when he was relatively symptom free, he was never without the voices
We eventually got rid of our television. When Andrew first told us about his delusions, he was embarrassed to admit it but also adamant that they were real. Even when he was relatively symptom free, he was never without the voices
Thursday, July 24, 2014
BIPOLAR VS. SCHIZOPHRENIA
They were also, always laced with reality. They included family members, neighbors and his bosses who were constantly demeaning him in the most brutal of verbal tirades. Often he experienced the television characters as reaching out to him. The television characters, Jay Leno and Brittany Spears were very positive delusion inviting Andrew to come and join them on their shows
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
HERE IS MARNIE'S EMAIL
dear Marge,
I
miss you so much!! I’ve been having this weird feeling lately and haven’t been
able to put my finger on why. So I gave it some real thought and realized that
I miss my mother! I miss talking to you every day, marjoram. Plenty has gone
down since you left and it has been very strange not to have you as my sounding
board for it all.
My
week with Andrew at the beach went really well. We had one big fight about all
the TV he was watching; but, the fight engendered a conversation that was very
helpful to me. He talked about doing things at his own pace, assuring me that
he was making progress every day. He wondered why I couldn’t just let him come
to me when he wanted to and also why, if we were going to hang out together did
it always have to be doing something that I wanted to do. All of this made
sense so I backed and he did come out of his shell voluntarily many times. We
had a really nice dinner one night and sat on the beach for another part of the
afternoon
.
All
in all the week at the beach was lonely, because being there with only Andrew-
it was most like being there by myself a lot of the time. But, it gave me time
to reflect and read and relax and everything that was really good. In the
beginning of the week I was so mad at Corbin for not coming with me. Then I
realized that I was really all frustrated with the way things were going with
Andrew; I realized by the end of the week that it was better that Corbin wasn’t
there because Andrew and I actually got some QT together that I am sure would
not have occurred in the presence of Corbin'
Sunday, July 20, 2014
WOULDN'T IT BE WONDERFUL
Marnie
was working in Washington, DC at the Federal Reserve, Board of Governors. She took
time from work to go to the beach with Andrew. During their time together, she
wrote me an email that I recently found. It speaks volumes about her and
Andrew.
I feel full of pride for both of them when I reread it. Everyone in our family was trying very hard to figure life out. I don’t think there was ever a lack of enthusiasm for trying to embrace each other, warts and all. Wouldn't it be wonderful if that were all it took cure schizophrenia or maybe it is. I will share excerpts tomorrow.
I feel full of pride for both of them when I reread it. Everyone in our family was trying very hard to figure life out. I don’t think there was ever a lack of enthusiasm for trying to embrace each other, warts and all. Wouldn't it be wonderful if that were all it took cure schizophrenia or maybe it is. I will share excerpts tomorrow.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
NO ONE KNEW
A few months after
Andrew wrote this note, John and I went to Ireland to celebrate our 30th
wedding anniversary. I was not comfortable leaving Andrew home alone and asked
Marnie and Eileen to each stay at our house with Andrew for a part of the time
we were gone. Eileen dutifully moved in for much of the time. It was very
difficult for all three of them and I feel very grateful that they were able to
be with him. At this time, I did not understand how difficult separation is for
people with schizophrenia. I did not even know that Andrew was schizophrenic.
Andrew did not know. Marnie and Eileen did not know. Actually, no one knew.
Friday, July 18, 2014
I AM PROUD OF HIM
I know how touched I
was when I first received this letter. While things did occasionally get better,
Andrew’s life continued to be a constant roller coaster of normalcy circled by
delusions. I am more touched now rereading and transcribing this letter and trying
to make sense of all that he is saying and predicting. I believe that Andrew
tried with everything that was in him to do the right thing.
His decision to end his
life seems to have been thoughtful and done with courage and the conviction that
it was the right thing for him at the time. I believe he thought of us and considered
us.
One thing I know for
sure is that I am proud of him. I wish that he did not have to suffer so much
and that he could have had the life he wanted. I do not think I would want
Andrew to have to live on suffering and frustrated, but I would sure love to
have him back with me today.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
THE NOTE I MENTIONED YESTERDY
3/19/02
Here
is the note I mentioned yesterday. It was created on the computer, printed out and left for John and I on the kitchen table
Dearest
Mom,
I know these past months have been
hard on
Dad
and you. I know that you’ve both been trying hard to
understand, and support my decision to drop
out of school.
I
know how tough it is for you to wake up everyday and
watch
your only son waste his days on the couch doing very
little
to make time useful. I need you to know that I am
grateful
for how much love and support you two provide for
me
and I promise that your time isn’t being wasted. It is
hard
to see now, but in the long run, in the big picture,
everything
will work out.
It’s
so terribly hard for me when you ask me such
simple
questions and I cannot give you a true, fair,
response.
You must think why is this kid doing this to
himself?
Why is he putting so much strain on us? The last
thing
I want is for you and Dad to be effected by my
actions.
I know that as my parents your job is to make
sure
that your family is healthy and happy. I assure you
that
everything will be fine and these bumps in the road
are only a minor set back. I wish I could
explain more and
clarify
things but there are too many missing pieces of the
puzzle right now. Take that as you may but try
not to
over-analyze.
Just know that this frustration and
confusion
will be put to rest very soon and we will all be
able
to get on with our lives.
Out
of the 21 years of my life I have never met a
person
more loving, more understanding, more patient, more
trusting
than you. I hope you know how much I love you and
you’ll
see, I will make you the proudest mother on earth.
Sincerely,
Andrew xoxo.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
THE END OF SCHOOL
Unfortunately, school
proved too much for Andrew and for his last semester, he pretty much stayed in
his room, watched TV and smoked marijuana. This was the beginning of his
nightmare of cognitive deterioration, that would eventually be his undoing.
He
did not tell us that he was unable to attend classes. It was only on the last
day of the semester, when I picked him up at his dorm that he confided in me.
He told me of the hell school had been and how he needed to get out and not go
back. It was not at all clear to me that he was losing his ability to lean. I
just thought it was the psychosis that got in his way of going to class and
participating in school life
During this
time, he wrote me a long and heartfelt note that I will share with you tomorrow.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
AN INCREDIBLE PERSON
Even when Andrew was at
his sickest he did not come across as mentally ill except to people who knew
him well. He had a very lucid side that he showed to the world that only eluded
him when he was at his worst.
On a visit home during
his first year at West Chester, Andrew who usually kept things to himself
showed me a letter that a dorm mate had written to him. I have somehow
misplaced the letter and I am so sad not to have it to share. It spoke of
Andrew’s sensitivity to her problems, his willingness to listen and his
insight. She ended with being so amazed that she had found such an incredible
person right in her dorm at West Chester University. Andrew was an incredible
person, thoughtful and self-aware.
Monday, July 14, 2014
MARIJUANA AND DELUSIONS
Andrew always had the
voices to some degree. We did not know
it at the time, but he was a regular marijuana user, which intensified his
delusions Andrew had never been more than an occasional beer drinker so I should
not have worried about the beer; it was the marijuana that would so aggravate
his delusions. It took me a couple of years to realize that when he would call
me terrorized and anxious he would most likely have just smoked a joint. It is interesting that we did not know Andrew was a regular pot user even though we later discovered that he smoked at home. I do not have a
great sense of smell and I just did not get it. I guess we only see what we
allow ourselves to see.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
TAKING MEDICATION FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE
Marnie and Eileen came home to go with us to West Chester
to help him move into his dorm. They wanted to do this because he had helped
both of them move into college. Marnie had arranged to buy beer for him but not
to let John and I know she was doing it. When I found out I became so upset
because I did not know how the beer would react with the medication he was
on.
I somehow expected Marn and Lou to understand just
how at risk he was; they wanted him to be as he always was. Moreover, he most often seemed like his normal self as long
as he took his meds regularly. His
sisters did not want him to be sick and he himself hated the idea that he was
sick. Hence, his difficulty with accepting that he must take medication for the
rest of his life.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Re-starting College
In the meantime, John
and I had been encouraging Andrew to apply to our local community college. In
January of 2000, Andrew registered for two courses at Delaware County Community
College, one in computer science and one in English composition. He did well in
English but failed to complete the computer course. He simply stop going to
class. Looking back, I imagine it was just too hard for him to do the work and
he might have been too embarrassed to tell us so we could have helped him
withdraw.
We found out when he
applied to West Chester University the fall of 2000 and was required to get a
transcript from the community college. Andrew was definitely getting better and
I think that at least part of him was looking forward to starting college
again. He would live at school and this seemed wonderful to me. Somehow having
him home made his illness so much harder for me to deal with. He seemed
healthier and I think he was healthier. The only sign of his illness was his
own admission of always having the voices. Other than that, he seemed and acted
fine much of the time.
Friday, July 4, 2014
Taking the Bus to Work
He also hated taking
the bus to work. He was still not allowed to drive and his hours at the GAP often
conflicted with John and my work schedule. I think Andrew was embarrassed to
stand on the corner waiting for a bus. In our community, most people drove
everywhere; if you did not drive it was often because you were not able to
drive or could not afford to. It was definitely a step down to take the bus.
This would be one of many bruises to Andrew’s ego that he would have to
suffer. Maybe harder and more
emotionally painful than anything else would be his inability meet his own
expectations, to keep up with his peers.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
WORKING AT THE GAP
Andrew’s first year at
home, he worked part-time at the GAP over the Christmas Holiday but struggled
to learn the cash register because his cognitive functioning was still diminished.
While this would improve some, it was a
precursor to what would become a continuing degradation of his ability to learn
new skills, even read with comprehension.
The GAP kept him on until after the
holiday, because he was reliable, big, and strong and they needed someone to
act as a stock boy. He hated that he
could not learn and was constantly embarrassed because he could not remember
the simple process of handling a sale at the cash register. He was relieved
when they laid him off.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
LYNN’S GIFT OF THE CHAIR
Actually, the mirror we
talked about on the last blog, stayed over his bed until just before Marnie’s
wedding in 2006 when we re-did his room. Andrew did not want any change in his
environment. He always said, “I like things the way they are”. Lynn, our next-door
neighbor, had found a big chair and hassock left by the curb in our neighborhood
and brought it home. She said maybe someday she would get it redone.
It was a
very nice chair but had some worn spots on it. I asked her if I could put it in
Andrews’s room until she was ready to put into use at her house. She agreed and
I brought it home. Andrew loved that
chair and used it often. It was when he needed rearrange his room to
accommodate the chair agreed that we moved the mirror from over his bed to over
the dresser.
Even then, I had to
really plead with him to get a new bed spread. He would always say to me
“everything’s fine, Mom why are you always wanting to change things, please
just leave things the way they are. “
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
The Mirror over His Bed
Andrew did improve remarkably,
after we got his medications straightened out. That took about a year. During
that time when he was first home, I was helping him get his room organized; we
had gone to the store to get a few things and he wanted a new mirror. He said
he did not like the one he had. He picked out one that was about three feet by
four feet. It had an iron frame that had been treated to show some rust. When
we got back to the house, we took it up to his room. I thought he would put it
over his dresser but he wanted to put it at the head of his bead, almost like a
headboard. I questioned its usefulness in that position and he said, “No that
is where I want it”.
Looking back, I wonder if he needed to see his reflection
over the bed for some type of reality check. One of the doctors who
took care of Andrew over the course of his illness told us that schizophrenics
have very week ego structure and are at risk for being bombarded with
stimulation that most of us would be able to filter out; schizophrenics have a
limited ability to distinguish between actual and delusional. This affects
their judgment and executive function.
We put the mirror over the bed where it
stayed for the next several years.
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