WE CALLED THE POLICE

After the wedding ceremony and before the reception, we notified the police that Andrew was missing.

  All of us, John, me, Marnie, Corbin, Eileen and Rich went back to Church Road. 

We sat on the patio and tried to come to grips with what was happening. John did not want us to jump to any conclusions, but he later told me he was “pretty sure” that Andrew was gone even then. 

HE WAS REALLY GONE

As I mentioned we were returning from the wedding of our neighbor, Katie who was married earlier in the day at church a couple miles from our house. Her reception was downtown later that evening. 

We had gone to Katie’s ceremony and right before we went into the church I had broken down sobbing uncontrollably. Then Melissa called me and said that she had learned that Anthony, a good friend of Andrew’s, had gone to the beach and she was sure Andrew had gone with him. I was instantly flooded with relief and chided myself for jumping to the conclusion that Andrew was really gone from us. 

I got through the ceremony, but when I got back outside there was a message from Melissa. I called her back to learn that she had talked to Anthony and all of Andrew’s other friends. He was not at the beach and no one had seen him. My body sagged even as John was trying to reassure me. I was trying to allow for the possibility that I was once again over reacting, but I was feeling certain that he was really gone. There would be no relief this time.

THE RAILROAD CROSSING AT NIGHT

The Railroad Crossing at Night

Let me pause here to tell you about last night. We were driving home from the movies around 9:30 PM. John and I had been to see the British comedy, The Trip. It was mildly entertaining, but 30-40 minutes too long. 

Anyway, we were driving down the road that leads to the railroad crossing that is steps from our house. The crossing was lit up as if it was daytime and my heart left my body. 

I was completely transported. The scene took me back to the night Andrew was found. Lou and Rich, Marnie and Corbin and John and I had been to Katie’s, our long time next-door neighbor’s, wedding reception. Andrew had been missing since Friday evening and this was Saturday night. We left the wedding early because I was in such a state of dread that I could not function. 

UNBEARABLE ANXIETY

The years that followed were for John, Andrew and me, full of almost unbearable anxiety that would be present until Andrew died. I was constantly waiting for the next call. He was so sick and suffered so much. 

This led to an almost constant effort at self-medication on top of struggling with us about whether or not to take his prescribed medicines. He complained of side effects, but as I mentioned before, what really seemed to upset him was the whole idea of being sick and needing to take medication.

It was very hard for me to leave Andrew with the sole discretion about whether he took his meds or not. John felt that Andrew needed to take responsibility for his illness. I agreed but could not bear the after effects of him either not taking his meds and/or self-medicating

GETTING RID OF THE TV

Nothing made Andrew angrier that when I would say something like, “Well the voices seem real but they are actually part of your disease”. He would look at me with such frustration and say, “Mom, you just don’t get it.” 

Always looking for answers, I asked Andrew if he could voluntarily limit his television viewing. My thinking was that this would help him manage his delusions. John and I were unable to monitor him during the day when we were not home. 

He said, “Mom, I don’t think I can” I asked him if he thought we should get rid of the TV and he said it “might be better, at least for the time being” In the end, we got rid of our TV, until Andrew moved in with Melissa in 2008.

NEVER FREE OF THE VOICES

Andrew found great peace in watching the television (he scheduled his suicide for the night following the last Jay Leno Show) but it seemed to exacerbate his delusions. When Andrew was feeling his worst watching television became a replacement for going out and living his life. 

We eventually got rid of our television. When Andrew first told us about his delusions, he was embarrassed to admit it but also adamant that they were real. Even when he was relatively symptom free, he was never without the voices

BIPOLAR VS. SCHIZOPHRENIA

As would later be confirmed only a couple of years before his death, Andrew was not bipolar but schizophrenic. The difference between bipolar with a schizoid affect and schizophrenia is that the former is episodic and the latter is chronic.  In other words, Andrew’s delusions, his voices, were always with him. 

They were also, always laced with reality. They included family members, neighbors and his bosses who were constantly demeaning him in the most brutal of verbal tirades. Often he experienced the television characters as reaching out to him. The television characters, Jay Leno and Brittany Spears were very positive delusion inviting Andrew to come and join them on their shows

HERE IS MARNIE'S EMAIL

dear Marge,

I miss you so much!! I’ve been having this weird feeling lately and haven’t been able to put my finger on why. So I gave it some real thought and realized that I miss my mother! I miss talking to you every day, marjoram. Plenty has gone down since you left and it has been very strange not to have you as my sounding board for it all.

My week with Andrew at the beach went really well. We had one big fight about all the TV he was watching; but, the fight engendered a conversation that was very helpful to me. He talked about doing things at his own pace, assuring me that he was making progress every day. He wondered why I couldn’t just let him come to me when he wanted to and also why, if we were going to hang out together did it always have to be doing something that I wanted to do. All of this made sense so I backed and he did come out of his shell voluntarily many times. We had a really nice dinner one night and sat on the beach for another part of the afternoon

.

All in all the week at the beach was lonely, because being there with only Andrew- it was most like being there by myself a lot of the time. But, it gave me time to reflect and read and relax and everything that was really good. In the beginning of the week I was so mad at Corbin for not coming with me. Then I realized that I was really all frustrated with the way things were going with Andrew; I realized by the end of the week that it was better that Corbin wasn’t there because Andrew and I actually got some QT together that I am sure would not have occurred in the presence of Corbin'

WOULDN'T IT BE WONDERFUL

Marnie was working in Washington, DC at the Federal Reserve, Board of Governors. She took time from work to go to the beach with Andrew. During their time together, she wrote me an email that I recently found. It speaks volumes about her and Andrew.

 I feel full of pride for both of them when I reread it. Everyone in our family was trying very hard to figure life out. I don’t think there was ever a lack of enthusiasm for trying to embrace each other, warts and all. Wouldn't it be wonderful if that were all it took cure schizophrenia or maybe it is. I will share excerpts tomorrow. 

NO ONE KNEW

A few months after Andrew wrote this note, John and I went to Ireland to celebrate our 30^th wedding anniversary. I was not comfortable leaving Andrew home alone and asked Marnie and Eileen to each stay at our house with Andrew for a part of the time we were gone. Eileen dutifully moved in for much of the time. It was very difficult for all three of them and I feel very grateful that they were able to be with him. At this time, I did not understand how difficult separation is for people with schizophrenia. I did not even know that Andrew was schizophrenic. Andrew did not know. Marnie and Eileen did not know. Actually, no one knew. 

I AM PROUD OF HIM

I know how touched I was when I first received this letter. While things did occasionally get better, Andrew’s life continued to be a constant roller coaster of normalcy circled by delusions. I am more touched now rereading and transcribing this letter and trying to make sense of all that he is saying and predicting. I believe that Andrew tried with everything that was in him to do the right thing.

His decision to end his life seems to have been thoughtful and done with courage and the conviction that it was the right thing for him at the time. I believe he thought of us and considered us.

One thing I know for sure is that I am proud of him. I wish that he did not have to suffer so much and that he could have had the life he wanted. I do not think I would want Andrew to have to live on suffering and frustrated, but I would sure love to have him back with me today.

THE NOTE I MENTIONED YESTERDY

                                                                        3/19/02

Here is the note I mentioned yesterday. It was created on the computer, printed out and left for John and I on the kitchen table

Dearest Mom,

            I know these past months have been hard on

Dad and you. I know that you’ve both been trying hard to

 understand, and support my decision to drop out of school.

I know how tough it is for you to wake up everyday and

watch your only son waste his days on the couch doing very

little to make time useful. I need you to know that I am

grateful for how much love and support you two provide for

me and I promise that your time isn’t being wasted. It is

hard to see now, but in the long run, in the big picture,

everything will work out.

It’s so terribly hard for me when you ask me such

simple questions and I cannot give you a true, fair,

response. You must think why is this kid doing this to

himself? Why is he putting so much strain on us? The last

thing I want is for you and Dad to be effected by my

actions. I know that as my parents your job is to make

sure that your family is healthy and happy. I assure you

that everything will be fine and these bumps in the road

 are only a minor set back. I wish I could explain more and

clarify things but there are too many missing pieces of the

 puzzle right now. Take that as you may but try not to

over-analyze. Just know that this frustration and

confusion will be put to rest very soon and we will all be

able to get on with our lives.

Out of the 21 years of my life I have never met a

person more loving, more understanding, more patient, more

trusting than you. I hope you know how much I love you and

you’ll see, I will make you the proudest mother on earth.

                                                           

Sincerely,

 Andrew  xoxo. 

THE END OF SCHOOL

Unfortunately, school proved too much for Andrew and for his last semester, he pretty much stayed in his room, watched TV and smoked marijuana. This was the beginning of his nightmare of cognitive deterioration, that would eventually be his undoing. 

He did not tell us that he was unable to attend classes. It was only on the last day of the semester, when I picked him up at his dorm that he confided in me. He told me of the hell school had been and how he needed to get out and not go back. It was not at all clear to me that he was losing his ability to lean. I just thought it was the psychosis that got in his way of going to class and participating in school life

During this time, he wrote me a long and heartfelt note that I will share with you tomorrow.

AN INCREDIBLE PERSON

Even when Andrew was at his sickest he did not come across as mentally ill except to people who knew him well. He had a very lucid side that he showed to the world that only eluded him when he was at his worst.

On a visit home during his first year at West Chester, Andrew who usually kept things to himself showed me a letter that a dorm mate had written to him. I have somehow misplaced the letter and I am so sad not to have it to share. It spoke of Andrew’s sensitivity to her problems, his willingness to listen and his insight. She ended with being so amazed that she had found such an incredible person right in her dorm at West Chester University. Andrew was an incredible person, thoughtful and self-aware. 

MARIJUANA AND DELUSIONS

Andrew always had the voices to some degree.  We did not know it at the time, but he was a regular marijuana user, which intensified his delusions Andrew had never been more than an occasional beer drinker so I should not have worried about the beer; it was the marijuana that would so aggravate his delusions. It took me a couple of years to realize that when he would call me terrorized and anxious he would most likely have just smoked a joint. It is interesting that we did not know  Andrew was a regular pot user even though we later discovered that he smoked at home. I do not have a great sense of smell and I just did not get it. I guess we only see what we allow ourselves to see.

TAKING MEDICATION FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE

Marnie and Eileen came home to go with us to West Chester to help him move into his dorm. They wanted to do this because he had helped both of them move into college. Marnie had arranged to buy beer for him but not to let John and I know she was doing it. When I found out I became so upset because I did not know how the beer would react with the medication he was on. 

 I somehow expected Marn and Lou to understand just how at risk he was; they wanted him to be as he always was.  Moreover, he most often seemed like his normal self as long as he took his meds regularly. His sisters did not want him to be sick and he himself hated the idea that he was sick. Hence, his difficulty with accepting that he must take medication for the rest of his life. 

Re-starting College

In the meantime, John and I had been encouraging Andrew to apply to our local community college. In January of 2000, Andrew registered for two courses at Delaware County Community College, one in computer science and one in English composition. He did well in English but failed to complete the computer course. He simply stop going to class. Looking back, I imagine it was just too hard for him to do the work and he might have been too embarrassed to tell us so we could have helped him withdraw.

We found out when he applied to West Chester University the fall of 2000 and was required to get a transcript from the community college. Andrew was definitely getting better and I think that at least part of him was looking forward to starting college again. He would live at school and this seemed wonderful to me. Somehow having him home made his illness so much harder for me to deal with. He seemed healthier and I think he was healthier. The only sign of his illness was his own admission of always having the voices. Other than that, he seemed and acted fine much of the time. 

Taking the Bus to Work

He also hated taking the bus to work. He was still not allowed to drive and his hours at the GAP often conflicted with John and my work schedule. I think Andrew was embarrassed to stand on the corner waiting for a bus. In our community, most people drove everywhere; if you did not drive it was often because you were not able to drive or could not afford to. It was definitely a step down to take the bus. 

This would be one of many bruises to Andrew’s ego that he would have to suffer.   Maybe harder and more emotionally painful than anything else would be his inability meet his own expectations, to keep up with his peers.

WORKING AT THE GAP

Andrew’s first year at home, he worked part-time at the GAP over the Christmas Holiday but struggled to learn the cash register because his cognitive functioning was still diminished.  While this would improve some, it was a precursor to what would become a continuing degradation of his ability to learn new skills, even read with comprehension. 

The GAP kept him on until after the holiday, because he was reliable, big, and strong and they needed someone to act as a stock boy.  He hated that he could not learn and was constantly embarrassed because he could not remember the simple process of handling a sale at the cash register. He was relieved when they laid him off. 

LYNN’S GIFT OF THE CHAIR

Actually, the mirror we talked about on the last blog, stayed over his bed until just before Marnie’s wedding in 2006 when we re-did his room. Andrew did not want any change in his environment. He always said, “I like things the way they are”. Lynn, our next-door neighbor, had found a big chair and hassock left by the curb in our neighborhood and brought it home. She said maybe someday she would get it redone. 

It was a very nice chair but had some worn spots on it. I asked her if I could put it in Andrews’s room until she was ready to put into use at her house. She agreed and I brought it home.  Andrew loved that chair and used it often. It was when he needed rearrange his room to accommodate the chair agreed that we moved the mirror from over his bed to over the dresser.

Even then, I had to really plead with him to get a new bed spread. He would always say to me “everything’s fine, Mom why are you always wanting to change things, please just leave things the way they are. “

The Mirror over His Bed

Andrew did improve remarkably, after we got his medications straightened out. That took about a year. During that time when he was first home, I was helping him get his room organized; we had gone to the store to get a few things and he wanted a new mirror. He said he did not like the one he had. He picked out one that was about three feet by four feet. It had an iron frame that had been treated to show some rust. When we got back to the house, we took it up to his room. I thought he would put it over his dresser but he wanted to put it at the head of his bead, almost like a headboard. I questioned its usefulness in that position and he said, “No that is where I want it”.

 Looking back, I wonder if he needed to see his reflection over the bed for some type of reality check. One of the doctors who took care of Andrew over the course of his illness told us that schizophrenics have very week ego structure and are at risk for being bombarded with stimulation that most of us would be able to filter out; schizophrenics have a limited ability to distinguish between actual and delusional. This affects their judgment and executive function. 

We put the mirror over the bed where it stayed for the next several years.