May 10, 2014

 TOO MUCH PRESSURE

Everyone loved Andrew. He was so cute and cuddly. He was an easy baby, good sleeper and did everything he could to keep up with his sisters and our neighbors down the street, Nancy, six months older than Eileen and Katie, 7 months younger than Andrew,.  Our block on Church Road was full of girls—no boys would move onto Church Road until Andrew was in grade school. He was the darling of every teacher he had. He seemed to have natural athletic ability. He took to each sport he played (soccer, baseball, and swimming competitively) from an early age and always did well. There were two things about sports that Andrew did not like. He did not want to hurt anyone, or get into any fights and he did not like to be the focus of too much attention. In fact, it seemed without fail from his first swimming coaches through captaining his high school lacrosse team, Andrew did not want to be in the limelight. If a coach selected Andrew for special attention, Andrew would withdraw and sometimes lose interest in continuing to be on the team as with traveling soccer. He felt “too much pressure”.

I was at home with the kids until Andrew was seven when I started back to work.  This was a period of great adjustment for the family. I started out part-time but had increased to full time after only a few months. We were all struggling to find our new ways. The kids were going to after school club and hating it.  John felt I was abandoning the family. The truth is I was running away. I felt like I was being eaten alive by trying to satisfy the needs of my young family. While work was a legitimate way to claim back a piece of my life and the money I earned gave us more options, the job I took would become very demanding and ultimately consuming. We had an expression at our house that I believe I coined—independence building through abandonment. Of course, I did not know this at the time, but separation is the most difficult thing for schizophrenics.

More Tomorrow