HERE IS MARNIE'S EMAIL

dear Marge,

I miss you so much!! I’ve been having this weird feeling lately and haven’t been able to put my finger on why. So I gave it some real thought and realized that I miss my mother! I miss talking to you every day, marjoram. Plenty has gone down since you left and it has been very strange not to have you as my sounding board for it all.

My week with Andrew at the beach went really well. We had one big fight about all the TV he was watching; but, the fight engendered a conversation that was very helpful to me. He talked about doing things at his own pace, assuring me that he was making progress every day. He wondered why I couldn’t just let him come to me when he wanted to and also why, if we were going to hang out together did it always have to be doing something that I wanted to do. All of this made sense so I backed and he did come out of his shell voluntarily many times. We had a really nice dinner one night and sat on the beach for another part of the afternoon

.

All in all the week at the beach was lonely, because being there with only Andrew- it was most like being there by myself a lot of the time. But, it gave me time to reflect and read and relax and everything that was really good. In the beginning of the week I was so mad at Corbin for not coming with me. Then I realized that I was really all frustrated with the way things were going with Andrew; I realized by the end of the week that it was better that Corbin wasn’t there because Andrew and I actually got some QT together that I am sure would not have occurred in the presence of Corbin'

WOULDN'T IT BE WONDERFUL

Marnie was working in Washington, DC at the Federal Reserve, Board of Governors. She took time from work to go to the beach with Andrew. During their time together, she wrote me an email that I recently found. It speaks volumes about her and Andrew.

 I feel full of pride for both of them when I reread it. Everyone in our family was trying very hard to figure life out. I don’t think there was ever a lack of enthusiasm for trying to embrace each other, warts and all. Wouldn't it be wonderful if that were all it took cure schizophrenia or maybe it is. I will share excerpts tomorrow. 

NO ONE KNEW

A few months after Andrew wrote this note, John and I went to Ireland to celebrate our 30^th wedding anniversary. I was not comfortable leaving Andrew home alone and asked Marnie and Eileen to each stay at our house with Andrew for a part of the time we were gone. Eileen dutifully moved in for much of the time. It was very difficult for all three of them and I feel very grateful that they were able to be with him. At this time, I did not understand how difficult separation is for people with schizophrenia. I did not even know that Andrew was schizophrenic. Andrew did not know. Marnie and Eileen did not know. Actually, no one knew. 

I AM PROUD OF HIM

I know how touched I was when I first received this letter. While things did occasionally get better, Andrew’s life continued to be a constant roller coaster of normalcy circled by delusions. I am more touched now rereading and transcribing this letter and trying to make sense of all that he is saying and predicting. I believe that Andrew tried with everything that was in him to do the right thing.

His decision to end his life seems to have been thoughtful and done with courage and the conviction that it was the right thing for him at the time. I believe he thought of us and considered us.

One thing I know for sure is that I am proud of him. I wish that he did not have to suffer so much and that he could have had the life he wanted. I do not think I would want Andrew to have to live on suffering and frustrated, but I would sure love to have him back with me today.

THE NOTE I MENTIONED YESTERDY

                                                                        3/19/02

Here is the note I mentioned yesterday. It was created on the computer, printed out and left for John and I on the kitchen table

Dearest Mom,

            I know these past months have been hard on

Dad and you. I know that you’ve both been trying hard to

 understand, and support my decision to drop out of school.

I know how tough it is for you to wake up everyday and

watch your only son waste his days on the couch doing very

little to make time useful. I need you to know that I am

grateful for how much love and support you two provide for

me and I promise that your time isn’t being wasted. It is

hard to see now, but in the long run, in the big picture,

everything will work out.

It’s so terribly hard for me when you ask me such

simple questions and I cannot give you a true, fair,

response. You must think why is this kid doing this to

himself? Why is he putting so much strain on us? The last

thing I want is for you and Dad to be effected by my

actions. I know that as my parents your job is to make

sure that your family is healthy and happy. I assure you

that everything will be fine and these bumps in the road

 are only a minor set back. I wish I could explain more and

clarify things but there are too many missing pieces of the

 puzzle right now. Take that as you may but try not to

over-analyze. Just know that this frustration and

confusion will be put to rest very soon and we will all be

able to get on with our lives.

Out of the 21 years of my life I have never met a

person more loving, more understanding, more patient, more

trusting than you. I hope you know how much I love you and

you’ll see, I will make you the proudest mother on earth.

                                                           

Sincerely,

 Andrew  xoxo. 

THE END OF SCHOOL

Unfortunately, school proved too much for Andrew and for his last semester, he pretty much stayed in his room, watched TV and smoked marijuana. This was the beginning of his nightmare of cognitive deterioration, that would eventually be his undoing. 

He did not tell us that he was unable to attend classes. It was only on the last day of the semester, when I picked him up at his dorm that he confided in me. He told me of the hell school had been and how he needed to get out and not go back. It was not at all clear to me that he was losing his ability to lean. I just thought it was the psychosis that got in his way of going to class and participating in school life

During this time, he wrote me a long and heartfelt note that I will share with you tomorrow.

AN INCREDIBLE PERSON

Even when Andrew was at his sickest he did not come across as mentally ill except to people who knew him well. He had a very lucid side that he showed to the world that only eluded him when he was at his worst.

On a visit home during his first year at West Chester, Andrew who usually kept things to himself showed me a letter that a dorm mate had written to him. I have somehow misplaced the letter and I am so sad not to have it to share. It spoke of Andrew’s sensitivity to her problems, his willingness to listen and his insight. She ended with being so amazed that she had found such an incredible person right in her dorm at West Chester University. Andrew was an incredible person, thoughtful and self-aware.