BEING THERE

Last week, June 10, 2011, I read an article in the New York Times called You Look Great’ and Other Lies, by Bruce Feiler that recants the experience of being with family and friends during his bout with bone cancer. 

The result is a distillation of do’s and don’ts for being with people in distress.

In the author’s list, things not to say included:” What can I do to help?”, My thoughts and prayers are with you”; “Everything will be okay”; “How are we today?”;  “You look great”.

 What to say included: “Don’t write me back;  “ I should be going now or I love you.” 

I wondered when I read it if I was missing something important. I was overwhelmingly grateful that so many people reached out to us when Andrew died. I was afraid no one would come. That his death and our loss would somehow go unnoticed or unmourned. 

As weary and terrified as I was of having Andrew’s wake at our house, I was more concerned that few would come. It felt right that people would not know what to say or how to be me with me. I did not know what to say or how to be with them.  My over whelming feeling was thank God you are here.