NEW SHOES

"No, it’s not worth it for me." is the same thing you had said to me a couple of weeks before you were fired when I wanted to buy you shoes.

You were walking around with a hole in your shoe. When I called your attention to it, you said, “It is fine. I don’t need new shoes. I can’t afford them”.

 I insisted and said that I would buy them for you.

We went over to DSW and I asked you what shoes you liked and walked up and down the aisles making suggestions. You did get a little excited. 

You always had good taste in clothes and you always like to look nice.

You ended up picking out three pairs that you liked. I bought them all. I thought twice about it but rationalized that you never asked for much and I often bought things for the girls. 

"IT'S NOT WORTH IT FOR ME"

     I knew you were trying to stay away from drugs so I was reluctant to encourage you to take klonopin. In the back of my mind, I knew that sleep deprivation was very dangerous for you. It was too far back. 

     I did offer you my sleep tape that a hypnotist had made for me. You tried it once but felt you should not use it because in the introduction the hypnotist says that the tape is expressly made for Marge Gillis. 

     I offered to get her to make one for you and you said, "No, it’s not worth it for me."  

THE THURSDAY BEFORE YOU DIED

The Thursday before you died, I was driving home from an appointment and you called and said, "Where are you?" 

There was a panic in your voice. I told you I was on my way home. 

I do not remember how that conversation ended. 

You had been complaining of not being able to sleep.  

UNCONSCIOUSLY COLLABORATING?

     Looking back on all the interactions we had, the clues you were leaving now seem so obviously pointing toward your not being with us after a certain date. 

     How is it that I had no awareness then?  Was I unconsciously collaborating with you? 

YOU PHYSICALLY SHUDDERED

Then there was the bill that came for you at our house.  Even though you were living with Rich and Eileen your mail was still coming to our house.

          I told you about it and you asked me when it was due. I said June and you physically shuddered. 

           I asked you what was wrong and you said "Nothing", and added for me not to worry about the bill, that you had taken care of it.  

         We later learned that it had not been paid

LOOKING BACK IT SEEMS YOU ALREADY HAD A DATE IN MIND

Then I remember asking you if you had your suit ready for Derek and Heather De Boer’s wedding and you asking me what the date was. 

When I said May 23, you said, “I will be going”. 

After their wedding, you left your suit in a ball at the foot of the stairs. I picked it up and reminded you that you had to keep it nice for Katie’s wedding the following weekend, May 30, 2009. You shrugged and took the suit, saying nothing. 

NOTHING TASTES RIGHT

 It was also hard for me when after about a month you agreed to have lunch with me on a couple of occasions. 

I know I was initially surprised that you agreed to see me, but no matter what you ordered, you told me you did not like the taste of it. I knew that was a signal but had no idea how to read it

AFTER YOU WERE FIRED

After you were fired—I wanted to kill the people that fired you for their insensitivity, of course, it was no greater than mine was and I am your mother—you retreated to your space at Rich and Lou’s. 

You put a sign on the door that you appreciated everyone’s concern but you needed time to yourself to work things out. This was very hard for me.

I DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS ANYMORE

 I remember when you were in training for the upgraded computer system at your work and you could not retain the new knowledge—you were terrorized.

You would call me at my office in the throes of anxiety. I was heart broken that there did not seem to be anything I could do to lessen your terror.

After you received your first warning about your job being at risk you told me that you took a walk and realized that you ”didn’t have to put up with this anymore”.

 I wonder if it was at that time that you decided to leave us. I did not get that then. I thought you were talking about leaving that job. 

MARGE AND THE RATIONAL SPIN

I was always trying to put a rational spin on issues and events, giving you a list of things you could do to make your life better. 

I had no idea that you were actually getting worse. That your mind was failing you as you tried harder and harder to set things right

MORE TALKING WITH ANDREW OR TO MYSELF--not sure

You were losing weight and looked great physically.

 
You said you were trying to eat healthy. I remember asking you if you were taking your medicine, and you told me that you had stopped taking your lithium and Lexapro. 
I asked you about your Zyprexa and you said yes you were taking it. I now believe you had stopped taking it. 

You were staying at our house that last week of your life and I just decided to take the week off. 
What we know that we don’t know we know! 

TALKING TO ANDREW

When talking to Andrew, I usually start out by telling him that I love him. 

I ask him where he is and what he is doing. 

I let him know that now I realize how right he was when he said, “Mom you just don’t get it”. On some level, I did get it, but not consciously.

"It is only in looking back that I realize how much my body must have known that you were leaving us, not just me but your dad and the girls also."

ANDREW INDEX

Kristie, our next-door neighbor who now lives in New England, invited us to their baby’s first birthday pig roast celebration in Vermont. 

We decided not to go and instead to be at home over the holiday. 

We did have dinner with Rich and Eileen on Sunday but other than that, John and I were alone. We brought up Andrew often.

 I have begun to refer to my state of mind as my Andrew index. Both John and I had high Andrew indexes over the weekend. My distress took the form of imagining that Marnie and Eileen were upset with me.

 As I mentioned before, it is often difficult for me to connect and attribute my feelings of distress with Andrew’s death. My shrink suggested that I talk aloud to Andrew. This has been helpful. It has put me more in touch with my sadness and maybe more accepting of his death. 

STOPPING THE BLEEDING

As the anniversary of Andrew's death nears, everything makes me agitated. Nothing feels right. 

This year Marnie and Corbin had decided to go to the beach with Corbin's parents over Memorial Day weekend which contained the anniversary of Andrew’ death day. 

That was a blow to me. Having Marnie, Corbin and their kids around me is completely distracting and I was looking forward to the joy of them. I often say having them around somehow stops my bleeding. 

However, this year they were not there. 

GETTING HARDER

Those trips out to the nursery were hard. The idea of a memorial tree was hard.

Andrew’s death was actually getting harder for me as we moved closer to his second death anniversary.  The feeling was one of general pervasive distress, with no direct link to the feelings. 

One thing I did notice was that John and I started to refer to things in the yard in relation to Andrew’s tree, to the right or to the left, or in front of Andrew’s tree.  

SECOND ANNIVERSARY

We decided to set the tree back into the garden that surrounds our yard. 

We have taken down an existing fir tree so it would have a lot of open space around it. 

This sets off the tree and gives it a room to expand. 

It is also in a direct line of vision from our patio where we spend much of our outdoor time.  

Bill, the nursery man and his crew planted the tree a few days before the second anniversary of Andrew’s death

MAXIMUM SON

The nurserymen wanted to put the new tree in the middle of our yard for maximum son and room to spread. I just looked back at the sentence I typed­­­—son for sun-- I think I will leave it. It somehow gives me peace. I like to think of his energy being all around me.

Whenever something unusually good happens to Lou and she feels that Andrew has been present, she says, “thank you Bear”.  

WE CHOOSE A WEEPING CHERRY TREE

Somehow, over the winter John concluded that a weeping cherry would work for him. 

I am not sure what changed his mind. 

Bill, our nurseryman found a lovely tree that was about 25 feet high—full and symmetrical. 

He called us to come out and look. We finally made the choice of a beautiful weeping cherry tree

WAITING FOR THE RIGHT TREE

Joan recommended a local nursery. Our first decision was what kind of tree. 

Lynn said an oak—“that is how I think of Andrew-big and strong”. 

I knew for me that it would not be an oak. I wanted a weeping cherry. 

John was not sure but was not initially keen on a weeping cherry. He was not sure how it would look. The ones near our house he did not like. 

Well the question would have to wait.  As it turned out,we did not see any nice weeping cherries that fall. 

The nurseryman said he would call around and see if anybody else had one, explaining that the best selection is usually in early spring when they dig all the trees that will be sold that year. 

This wait seemed to be what we needed at the time.

THE MEMORY TREE

This tree has been in the works since very shortly after Andrew died. As I mentioned, Joan told us about the wish that they had to give us a tree to remember Andrew. 

John’s brother-in-law, Gene called about the same time to tell us that John’s sister’s family-- Chris, Liz, Jeff, Nicole and Patrick, also wanted to give a tree in Andrew’s memory.

JOAN'S CARD

The card Joan brought contained the following note:

Marge and John—we think of Andrew and cherish wonderful memories.

He remains tucked in our hearts. We will remember him always with a memorial tree.

Much love, Joan and Phil, Lynn and Bill, Rena and Bill, Karen and Peter, Connie and Dave.